What is forgiveness?

• Forgiveness is the peace you learn to feel when you let go of unresolved grievances.
• Forgiveness is for you and not the offender.
• Forgiveness is taking back your power.
• Forgiveness is taking responsibility for how you feel.
• Forgiveness is about your healing and not about the people who hurt you.
• Forgiveness is a trainable skill just like learning to throw a baseball.
• Forgiveness helps you get control over your feelings.
• Forgiveness can improve your mental and physical health.
• Forgiveness is becoming a hero instead of a victim.
• Forgiveness is a choice.
• Everyone can learn to forgive.

What forgiveness is not:

• Forgiveness is not condoning unkindness.
• Forgiveness is not forgetting that something painful happened.
• Forgiveness is not excusing poor behavior.
• Forgiveness does not have to be an otherworldly or religious experience.
• Forgiveness is not denying or minimizing your hurt.
• Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the offender.
• Forgiveness does not mean you give up having feelings.
• Forgiveness does not exclude or preclude justice.

-From Dr. Fred Luskin's Forgive for Good:

A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness

(HarperSanFrancisco, 2002)

Frequently Asked Questions with Dr. Fred Luskin

Explain what you mean by forgiveness.

Forgiveness would simply be the ability to make peace with your own life and not have to continue arguing and objecting to the way your life unfolded. It means that difficult things happen and you have to grieve them, accept them, and then move on. Forgiveness is that process. It is different than condoning, because you’re not excusing unkind or atrocious acts. Forgiveness is different from reconciling, because you don’t have to “make nice” with whoever hurt you. And it is different than justice because you can still pursue civil justice. Forgiveness is an inner quality of healing and release – a cleansing of one’s own heart.

Is forgiveness possible at Ground Zero?

Because forgiveness is an inner experience, it is possible regarding anything. Ground Zero presents problems, of course. It’s very different if you had a personal loss than if it was just an attack on American soil. However, if it’s a personal loss, than it’s like other personal losses where you’re dealing with the horror of unmerited pain. And, again, forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone violence – it’s that you don’t become so angry that it clouds your judgment and leads you to become violent yourself. Forgiveness is an acknowledgement that we live in a dangerous world and have to be safe and protect ourselves, but not that we have to become hate-filled. Ground Zero is about accepting that even we, as Americans, can suffer damage and attack which happens all over the world. Indeed, Ground Zero is a reminder of what horror results when anger goes unchecked. Forgiveness at Ground Zero is acknowledging that we don’t want to do that – or be the hatred that does such horror.

Why is forgiveness important?

At the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, we completed research projects showing that forgiveness improves physical and emotional health. We even did this with people from Northern Ireland who had lost family members in the violence there. Forgiveness is actually health-enhancing and it’s a wonderful example to the rest of the world - that you don’t have to use your wounds to wound others. You must keep your judgment and mind clear if you’re going to make optimal results for the world. And if you take a situation like that in Northern Ireland, where one side does something and the other retaliates, the violence makes sense to the ones committing it, but from the outside – and in the long-term - it makes no sense because it becomes an endless cycle. You want to have the openness to letting go and making peace, though you still want to protect yourself. Finally, it’s important to remember that forgiveness is a choice, not a have-to. Consider it as a possibility and ask yourself at all times whether this is the moment you let go of violence and resentment. And think: what kind of example do we want to put to the world?

Do you actually want me to forgive terrorists?

There are three levels to forgiveness in this case. The first is that you forgive life – so here we don’t have to worry about a specific person for presenting us with difficulties and tremendous pain. Then you forgive misguided people in general who think violence really solves problems. Finally, you can forgive a terrorist; you feel the human horror that allows people to hurt others. You ask yourself, in a world where people commit unimaginable terror, can I be merciful or open-hearted? And if I can, what are my limits? So you forgive life, people in general, and then the specific person who is caught in the tendency to do violence. Forgiveness is a means through which we create the future – a future free of repaying violence for violence and pursuing any desire for revenge.